It’s often on mornings like this; subtle rays of sunshine filtering in through the curtains, and my white golden doodle curled up in a sleepy ball under my desk, that I manage to summon enough mental clarity to crack a content puzzle I’ve been working on for some time.

Why I Started The Anxious Techie

If you’ve read the SINGLE post that I’ve authored thus far for this Substack you know that it’s been quite some time since I’ve done anything with this publication. It’s certainly not from lack of imagination, or possible source material. However, you sometimes have to admit when an idea DOESN’T work in the format you initially envisioned.

When I created this publication, I had envisioned bringing two core topics in my life together, those being technology and mental health / anxiety. For those not familiar I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder several years back after my mental state had gotten so bad that no amount of distraction via video game or technical content creation / nerdy lab stuff was enough to subdue it. As Mordo in Dr. Strange famously said on the big screen years ago, “The bill comes due”.

After years of therapy and treatment, I had things *mostly* under control (it’s a lifelong struggle). It was at this stage I felt a strong need to share my experiences and learnings with the community with the knowledge that there are countless other people out there dealing with anxiety disorders just like I do on a regular basis. Thus, the idea that is “The Anxious Techie” was given form.

When Good Ideas Don’t Fit the Format

The idea of this publication was to produce content that would be of interest both in the geeky / system admin sense but also for those struggling with anxiety. The intention was for content to focus around the intersection of enterprise tech and mental health and while there is SOME content ideas in that area, there actually isn’t a lot there.

Topic ideation was a struggle, I felt like the ideas that HAD bubbled to the surface wouldn’t provide enough value, and the real issue was the fact that if I went too technical with a post, I lose the anxiety focused readers, and if I don’t go deep enough into the tech, I likely lose the technical audience. Hence the publication took a back seat to other projects.

Clarity in the Quiet Moments

So, coming back to this Saturday morning, where I had made myself adhere to my new sleep schedule regimen (future post on that), and despite my body’s complaints that it was in fact NOT a workday, I sat down with the defined intention to address the Anxious Techie publication. I started with the original goal which was to provide content and a community for those that are struggling to deal with anxiety and other mental health conditions. The tech speak, it turns out is an un-necessary complication in that mission, and as luck would have it, I had already solved my dilemma.

A New Mission for The Anxious Techie

Roughly 6 weeks ago (as of this writing), I had started SysAdmin Weekly the Newsletter. This is a publication that curates useful tech content from the community and also highlights some of the projects myself and my close circle of friends have been working on in the tech space as well.

SysAdmin Weekly

For SysAdmins who drink coffee like RAM and troubleshoot like legends. Weekly updates, battle-tested tools, cybersecurity WTFs, and fresh tech-focused content that won’t waste your uptime.

By Andy Syrewicze

This technical newsletter also serves as a companion publication for my new-ish podcast, aptly named SysAdmin Weekly.

I realized that I’m already posting a number of technical resources for the community, and as much as I’d like to post MORE tech stuff, I had to remind myself of the original goal for THIS publication; The Anxious Techie - to be a source of help and community for those dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues.

What to Expect Moving Forward

With all that in mind, moving forward this publication will lean HEAVILY into the mental-health, mindfulness, and well-being side of the equation. I’m sure I’ll still look at certain topics and ideas through the lens of technology (that’s just how my brain works) - but the core theme that this substack will center around is “Just a Tech Guy with an Anxiety Disorder” - and all the learnings, support, and community I can muster along with it.

Part of maturing is coming to terms with your own limitations….. and while my personality fights that notion, I can at least not beat my head against the wall trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Stay tuned (and subscribe!) for future content here folks. Not sure what the post cadence will be yet, but the log jam blocking the river has been cleared.

Subscribe now

Stay frosty and thanks for reading!

Sadly, unless you take steps to resolve those negative feelings, the situation snowballs. Deadlines get pushed out and more tasks get added. This adds to the burden and “overhead”, which in turn increases the amount of anxiety. As you can see it’s a feedback loop. The goal is to take the emotion out of the equation, and to do that we just plain need to “get shit done”.

Alternatively, there’s a mantra I’ve begun to say to myself:

“Andy, sometimes you just need to do the thing.”

That’s my way of telling myself to get off my ass, out of my head and do stuff. Easier said than done though sometimes, right?

I’ve compiled this list of digitally enabled techniques and tools that I use, when it’s clear to myself (it isn’t ALWAYS clear) I’m experiencing the situation I’ve described above, starting with my favorite.

The Pomodoro Method

The Pomodoro method is a time management tool. You define an amount of time that you’ll focus on a task or tasks, and then once that time period elapses, you take a short break. Once you’ve gone through this process four times, you take a longer break. then the whole process repeats.

Typically, you’ll see the method times default to:

• 25 minutes followed by a 5-minute break

• 25 minutes followed by a 5-minute break

• 25 minutes followed by a 5-minute break

• 25 minutes followed by a 30-minute break

The defaults work fairly well for me when I’m anxious, and in need of the time structure this strategy provides. 25 minutes is JUST long enough to get some meaningful, concentrated work done on a specific task, and not so long that it feels insurmountable.

So, this usually then leads to a question: what does this have to do with anxiety?

Well…. I can only answer for myself. For me, I have a very deliberately set rule, that if the pomodoro clock is ticking, I’m only allowed to focus on the task I set out to do when I clicked “start”. In a way it’s an avoidance mechanism. I’m not allowed to worry about whatever I’m anxious about while that clock is moving. Save it for the break or worry-time (we’ll talk about this in a future edition). In the end, it focuses me on the task, and not the emotion, enabling tasks to start moving along on the to-do list.

Tools to Help Facilitate the Pomodoro Method

I have a few digital tools I’ve used for this over the years that enable this strategy:

• The “Flow” App on IOS / iPad / MacOS - Simple timer with no frills, works great on my mobile devices while I’m on the go. It has some paid features that I don’t use and can’t vouch for, but some seem like they’d be helpful such as app blocker or full screen break.

• Tomito - This is a MacOS Pomodoro timer that can be conveniently placed on the MacOS menu bar. Simple, effective, and highly recommended if you’re a Mac user.

• Andy’s PowerShell function - Yup…. I’m a nerd. I even scripted my own PowerShell function that I import into my PowerShell profile so that a Pomodoro timer is simply a Start-Pomodoro away. Useful if you spend a lot of time in PowerShell, or maybe you’re working on a machine where you don’t have your Pomodoro tools available. At the very least, it’s likely that PowerShell itself is available for use - at least on Windows.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are literally hundreds of Pomodoro tools out there. Some digital some not. Heck, you could even go the old analog method and use an old-school stopwatch. Find one that fits into your workflow and try it. That said, once you do find a Pomodoro tool that works for you, set a mental rule for yourself; if that clock is running - you MUST focus on your defined task. I think you’ll find, like I did, that this reduces the amount of time you spend stressing about a given task, and it simply allows you to move forward with it.

Digital Journaling

I’ve done this method with both physical pen and paper as well as digital methods. I prefer digital journaling simply because I don’t want to have to worry about keeping a physical journal and a working pen with me at all times. I travel frequently and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten my journal at home or went to write mid-flight and my pen was dead or just plain… not…there….

Whatever method you choose here the goal is the same. Getting your thoughts on paper (or screen?) in an organized way that involves some self-reflection as well. This helps you keep organized so that you’re better able to determine next steps when you’re anxious. Plus, the mindfulness that self-reflection induces can also help manage your anxiety.

What do you track in your journal?

This is the obvious question that comes to mind for most people new to journaling. That instant writer’s block sets in. If you’re REALLY new to the journaling thing, I would suggest starting with the Bullet Journal method. Bullet Journaling will give you a baseline for tracking tasks, short thoughts, and appointments. This is how I started and once I was comfortable with the method, I started weaving in some other things like:

• Work hours tracking - Listing success and completed tasks is helpful

• Gratefulness exercises - What is something I’m grateful for today?

• Anxiety tracking - What triggered my anxiety today?

• Micro-mood tracking - How am I feeling right now?

I’ve seen people who track all kinds of things in their journals, like food eaten, miles walked….etc..etc. The sky is the limit really.

Tools for Digital Journaling

When it comes to the digital tools that I use to enable this method for me, I’ve used several but have settled on a toolset that some may find to be overly complex. I admit, it is, but it’s effective for my personal workflow. I use Markdown language within Visual Studio Code (VSCode) from Microsoft and I use Github as the backend repository for storing my notes long term.

Other tools that I’ve used in the past include:

• Notepad - Yup…. good ol’ fashion notepad. Maybe it’s because the Windows+R shortcut and typing the word “notepad” and hitting enter is etched in my brain - but I still use notepad on the regular. While I know some people that use Notepad for journaling, I mainly use it for short form notes, that ultimately make it into my main notes (in VSCode) at a later time.

• OneNote - This was my go-to notes app for a long time, but I found that it quickly became cumbersome and didn’t scale well between multiple months and years. However, the “sections” ecosystem that OneNote provides works very well for some people, and I know SEVERAL people who live in OneNote for this purpose

• VSCode with Markdown Language - As mentioned, this is how I do my journaling today. If you’re unaware, VSCode is an application used by developers and IT pros for code generation. It always works VERY nicely with Markdown Language, which is a documentational format with defined rules and best practices. I’ll write a future entry on this combination.

• Github as a journal repository - If VSCode with Markdown is the journal, Github is the filing cabinet. Github is a code repository but can also be used with markdown code and documentation. It has built in revision tracking and I can also access it via the web in case I’m taking notes from a machine without VSCode.

• Dendron - While the above combination works well for me, Dendron (A VSCode Addon) takes the whole VSCode as a journal thing WAY further. It offers things like built-in cross article linking, searchable entries, calendared tagging, content maps…etc. I used it for some time, but I found that my needs weren’t quite that complex. That said, if you want all the bells and whistles, Dendron might be what you’re looking for.

That all said, choose the tool or combination of tools that best fits your journaling style. If it takes some trial and error, don’t worry, you can always change later if needed.

A Digital “Five Senses” Exercise

This is an exercise that is typically done in the real-world with what you have around you, and certainly, if you find yourself without digital tools or you don’t want to use digital tools, you can indeed use it that way.

The “Five Senses” exercise is a method that is designed to promote mindfulness and bring you back to the current moment by focusing on something that is associated with each of your senses. This is particularly useful when you’re feeling an exceptional degree of anxiety and need something to ground you back to NOW.

The typical questions work like something shown below:

1. What are 5 things you can see?

2. What are 4 things you can hear?

3. What are 3 things you can touch?

4. What are 2 things you can smell?

5. What is 1 thing you can taste?

The answers can be quite simple. For example, if I do it as I’m writing this I would respond with:

1. My laptop, tv remote, backlights on my keyboard, a dog toy on the floor, trees outside.

2. Music playing, the wind outside the open windows, rustling tree leaves, the clicking of my keyboard.

3. My keyboard, the couch I’m sitting on, my dog’s fur.

4. The fall air coming in the windows, the deodorant I put on this morning

5. My Coffee

While typically I’ve found these work for me, once in a while I need something a bit more engaging and something that invokes a bit of imagination as well. This is where adding Microsoft Copilot (or any generative AI tool) to the exercise can add a useful twist if needed. To involve Copilot, I can simply navigate to copilot.microsoft.com or (if you're using Microsoft Edge), Copilot is available right in your web browser as well in the top right corner.

Once open, I prompt Copilot with the below prompt to involve it in this exercise:

I want you to walk me through a digital "five senses" exercise. Whereas this exercise typically involves the tangible world, I would like you to prompt me for some web searches instead, one at a time. 

Now Copilot will prompt me to search for something associated with a given sense. For example, it prompted me with sight first:

Now this is where Copilot has some limitations, it cannot retrieve a desired image and display it from the web (as of the time of this writing):

That said, you can simply go find the image yourself using your search engine of choice. YouTube would also be highly valuable for this exercise as well.

That all said, once you’ve found an image to your liking, imagine yourself there, or even document the image in your journal - hopefully it’s something that is particularly calming. Once ready, simply instruct Co-pilot to move on to the next sense, and it will instruct you further.

While this may seem like an over complication sometimes pairing a grounding exercise like five senses with a bit of imagination, not only do we ground ourselves, but it can provide a bit of potentially needed distraction as well.

Gaming

Speaking of distraction, sometimes it can be beneficial to pick up a relaxing game and disconnect for a bit of time. Yes, I’m telling you to go play video games while you have a demanding to-do list sitting in front of you. While it may seem counterproductive to spend your time doing something UN-productive it’s actually been proven that taking regular breaks can improve your attention. Personally, I feel like gaming is enough of both a “break” and mentally stimulating enough to be refreshing.

Whether you’re a long-time gamer like me, or a casual player that partakes in the occasional session of candy crush chances are you’ve likely found something that is relaxing. In fact, there is an entire genre of games known as “Cozy Games” that are designed to be relaxing and stress free. So even if you don’t like a high-stakes game of Demon Souls like me, you can still find something that fits your style.

The important thing here is to SET A TIME LIMIT. Remember, we want to get back to our task list. If left unchecked, you’ll find the day quickly gets away from you. I personally go for 20 to 30 minutes if I’m feeling particularly anxious, and not only does the process usually de-stress me, but I also find that some of my best ideas come from this process as well. Ideas that are often helpful in solving one of those particularly stubborn line items on my list.

A Digital Detox

Finally, we come to our last point - and this in fact is about being as UN-digital as you can possibly get. There are times where we, as humans, need to just step away from the screen because despite our best efforts it can have diminishing returns on our productivity. While there are a number of different methods that you can do to achieve a digital detox, I find that the below three work the best for me personally.

1. Drop the Social Media and the News - With the echo chamber that is social media, and the endless negativity in the modern news cycle, it can be soul draining consuming either of them longer than is necessary. This is difficult as we’ve seen that social media can be addictive as well, not to mention the fear of missing out. Do yourself a favor and disconnect from these sources for a period of time (try 24 hours to start) and you’ll quickly find that your mood and focus improve

2. Turn off Notifications - Depending on your style of work, the occasional notification may not be a huge deal. But when you’re in the midst of deep work the intrusiveness of a notification may derail your efforts, and it will take you some time to re-center and re-engage. Turning off notifications allows me to just be calm and focused in the moment without multiple things vying for my attention and energy.

3. A Dedicated “No Distractions” Machine - When my focus and mood turns really sour, I sometimes turn to my “No Distractions” machine. This is a spare laptop I keep in my office that has an ultra-stripped-down version of the Debian Linux operating system on it with literally just the tools needed to write, edit videos…etc - and nothing more. Now I realize not every knows how to setup a laptop in the manner, but for you it could be something as simple as an old iPad with Wi-Fi turned off. It could be a pen and paper. The point is forcing yourself to work in a way that reduces digital intrusions.

Wrap Up

As a wrap up I want to thank you for reading and for sharing your attention. It’s not lost on me the irony of consuming your attention and energy while I write about ways to reclaim those things!

If you’d like to know more about me or you’d like to say hey, you can always visit my blog at www.andyontech.com. and my GitHub profile has all the different methods you can use to get ahold of me as well!

While I frequently end my security-focused content with the phrase “stay safe out there”, It seems more fitting in this case to end with “Stay sane out there!”

This initial entry I imagine will be the most difficult to organize and convey, not only due to the complexity of the topic, but because it’s something of a personal topic and it’s also one of the first times I’ve publicly discussed this area of my life. I’ve historically tried to separate my professional and personal lives, but as I’ve gotten older, I realize there is so much blurred between them, that it’s not healthy to continue that practice. This is especially true when you’re a full-time “work-from-home” employee (another topic worthy of a future article on this feed!)

Finally, in agreement with my empathetic side, if I can help one person deal with the things I’ve had to deal with throughout the last 20 years of my life by running this substack, I can sleep a little more soundly at night.

That all said, I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Let’s start with the basics…

What’s this Substack all About?

In short, this Substack will be a collection of content that focuses on Technology (both enterprise and consumer), Life learnings, thoughts, feelings, and dealing with Anxiety. All content will be written and told through the prism of my own experiences and opinions. I’ve been told I’m a good story-teller (whether I believe that or not is subject to another post). Much of the content will be told in that “story-teller” style and will take the form of written content and audio/visual content as well from time to time.

I’ve often thought my career story was somewhat interesting, but I never felt it was interesting enough to talk about it. As with many things in life, things come to us that we didn’t really ask for or seek out, and that’s kind of what happened in this situation. Due to a series of events and some things I was just born with, I found that I’m actually well suited to discuss this topic. While the thought initially instilled some anxiety (funny story that), After prepping a speaking session or two along the same lines, I’ve found I’ve really developed a passion for the subject.

Let me explain why…

What Qualifies Me to Talk About Technology, Life, and Anxiety?

The easier side of this question, the “Tech” part is easy for me to answer. I’ve been involved in the tech industry in some way/shape/form for the better part of 20+ years now. I’ve had some sort of job in tech since my Junior year of high school (grade 11 for those international readers!). I’ve done everything from, L1 desktop grunt work, to designing and building scalable, redundant datacenters both on-prem and in the cloud. These last couple of years I’ve taken to creating community content to help my fellow technology professionals get the day-to-day stuff taken care. This includes creating content centered around the entire Microsoft stack (and lately Security as well!) and I enjoy my work IMMENSELY.

Over the last several years, another area has cropped up that I haven’t really wanted to discuss anywhere, let alone publicly for a number of reasons. but after some speaking engagements that were very well received, and personal input from family and friends, I think i’m finally ready to put this out there in the hopes of helping others like me that suffer from some sort of mental health disorder. So here goes… Let’s get this out of the way:

I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder; one I’ve been unknowingly dealing with (and completely failing to deal with at times) my entire life.

Yes, I have an anxiety disorder. More specifically, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. What I’ve found in my experiences with this disorder thus far is that people NOT “in the know” tend to see it as a “catch-all” term. Something along the lines of “Oh, well, they (meaning doctors) can’t explain your specific anxiety, so they just gave you a “generalized” diagnosis.” That’s actually not the case at all.

The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), the key documentation source for mental health professionals, classifies Generalized Anxiety Disorder as:

• Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

• The person finds it difficult to control the worry.

• The anxiety and worry are associated with three or more of the following six symptoms (with at least some symptoms present for more days than not for the past 6 months)

1. –         Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge

2. –         Being easily fatigued

3. –         Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank

4. –         Irritability

5. –         Muscle tension

6. –         Sleep disturbance (in that i’m often too anxious to start the process of getting ready for bed)

I won’t list the remaining items as they are somewhat more of the same, but if you’d like to see the entire list you can check out this link.

How Does Generalized Anxiety Disorder Affect Me?

I’ve found in my career in tech that while a definition doesn’t work for everyone, a tangible example goes a long way. So with the above in mind how specifically does GAD affect me? While not comprehensive, a few examples would be:

• Stomach Dropping / Twisting as soon as your open your eyes in the morning

• Subtle, persistent, nagging anxiety all day that just simmers beneath the surface

• Exacerbated Imposter Syndrome (Not downplaying anyone who has imposter syndrome without diagnosed anxiety BTW)

• Fatigue

• Irritability (and associated guilt at feeling irritable at people / situations)

• Always have the feeling of having to prep for something disastrous

• Catastrophizing – in other words, expecting the absolute worst thing to happen.

• The need to socially withdraw at times (and associated guilt at not being able to be readily present sometimes for family and friends)

That last one bothers me quite a bit sometimes. If you’re a close friend, or family member reading this, have you ever noticed these multi-week periods where I seem to drop off the face of the planet? Those are times I’m dealing with an unusually high degree of anxiety on a day-to-day basis (moreso than usual), and I have to withdraw to get my head screwed back on straight. It’s not that I can’t be or don’t want to be social, I just require more “recharging” time during those periods to keep the disorder at bay. I’m thankfully able to handle all my responsibilities for family, and work during these periods, but I don’t have much mental “room” for much else.

Where does the “Life” part of the equation come in?

At first, I didn’t want to speak about this publicly at all due to the, still pervasive, stigma around mental health. However, after working through a few speaking sessions on the topic and getting feedback, I’ve found that not only am I NOT the only one dealing with this, I also have a passion for it. While I’m not a mental health professional by any stretch of the imagination, nor have I ever set out to be one, I can share my own experiences and resources that have helped me. This is all in the hopes that I can help others realize they aren’t alone, and that there is a way you can navigate anxiety while continuing your journey through LIFE. And, if you feel like that’s not possible for you, i’ll be damned if I’m still not going to try and help, cause that’s just who I am….

So Why Substack Andy?

That is a good question isn’t it? For starters I’ve come to find the platform to be really well done, and actually follow quite a few other writers here myself. The platform not only seems to be growing, but thriving as it gives content creators a more direct avenue to the community.

The other reason is….well, if I’m really honest about it, it’s something of a preventative measure. One of my coping mechanisms for anxiety is to bury myself in a complex task. Now, that task could be a super-deep video game (another future topic!), it could be setting up some new technology in my lab, or a cool PowerShell script. In the case of content creation, maybe that’s tinkering with new features on a blogging platform or CMS (Content Management System). Or a tangible example would be setting up a website with Hugo and an Azure Static Web App as with AndyOnTech.com……. instead of actually writing the content itself…..  you see the problem here. Thankfully, in that case, I was able to work through the technical bit and get the new blog in a place where I can easily post content with minimal effort.

Coming back to the main point, Substack helps me remove all the distractions and just write the content….. I don’t have to worry about maintaining a web server, or CMS, or plugins…etc. Hence the choice. Substack also plugs-in well with my preferred writing tool kit and tools, which I’ll be sure to discuss in a future article as many of the choices and nuances are directly influenced by anxiety as well as my passion for cool technology.

Wrap-Up

With that all said, I hope you’ll join me here. While not every post may be relevant to your interests, i’ll be creating each entry to try and make a little something for everyone. If I can help any of those reading feel a little bit better or learn something about Tech, Life, or Anxiety, then I’ve accomplished my goal and look forward to continuing this discussion and contributing to the larger technology community.

Thanks for reading everyone! Cheers to the future!